To Emma on Memorial Day

Dear Emmie Lou,


I wonder if you can see the beautiful sanctuary that our garden has become this spring. Although my heart is broken, I do feel peace when I am sitting out in the quiet of our yard, with the warm breeze whispering to me, carrying the message from the purple flowers that are blooming all around me. I'm here. See me? I'm here, you seem to say.


The kousa dogwood that the neighbors planted in the fall for you is blooming and looks beautiful and happy. The new climbing rose bush that we planted is awash in pretty peachy-pink blossoms that remind me of the bloom on your cheeks. I'm here. See me? I'm here.


And the climbing hydrangea that we planted by the arbor almost five years ago is blooming for the very first time this year. Who knew that the dense green vine could produce such a lacey, delicate, bloom? I'm here. See me? I'm here.


Nature seems to understand that there are bonds that death can't break. I'm here, Emma. Do you see me? I'm here, sitting in the garden with you.

Prom

The last few weeks have been prom season in our town. It was hard to escape the buzz of anticipation that this season brings. It was on the downtown streets, where girls were shopping for dresses; at the local florists and nurseries, where parents were ordering corsages and boutonnières. It even invaded the usual sanctuary of our screen porch, as prom goers gathered for picture in our neighbor’s backyard. Mostly this has been a painful season that we have had to endure, but it is a season with connections to happy memories of the two proms Emma attended.


I will always have fond memories of shopping with Emma for her prom dresses. She went o her first prom when she was a freshman and brought a friend along on the shopping trip. I remember being impressed by the excitement and generosity this friend displayed. She wasn’t going to the prom and I was amazed that she would give up her Saturday to help Emma find the perfect dress. And we did find it – an elegant dusty blue tea length dress that brought out Emma’s beautiful blue eyes. After scoring the dress, we made our way to the shoe department, and then the jewelry counter where we found a blue crystal necklace and matching earrings that perfectly complemented the dress. Afterwards I treated the girls to lunch and as they chatted about all the details of the upcoming prom night, I continued to be impressed that Emma’s friend could be so excited for her.


Last year’s shopping trip was equally memorable. At the recommendation of one of Emma’s friends, Sarah, Emma and I headed to the small storefront of a local dressmaker. Emma had gone there the day before after school to scope out what they had and already had a few possibilities in mind. When we arrived, a friend of hers was there trying on dresses, so it immediately became a congenial community shopping venture. Emma pulled out the dress contenders she had spotted the day before and went into the dressing room. The first few dresses she tried were disappointing on, but a sales clerk quickly took to the racks and identified some dresses with better potential. While Emma headed back into the dressing room to try these on, a new customer arrived at the store with a dress she wanted altered. This woman was clearly a regular and seemed to know the store as well as anyone working there. As the two girls, Emma and her friend, emerged from the dressing room with new dresses on this woman would give her opinion and suggestions. It might have been obnoxious, but her opinions were always spot on. We felt like we were in the presence of an expert.


After trying on 5 or 6 other dresses, Emma emerged from the dressing room in a beautiful strapless yellow satin dress. She looked stunning and the sales clerk, Sarah, her friend, her friend’s mom, and I all told her so. But the sale wasn’t made until the regular customer got involved. “Oh, that’s the dress, sweetheart. Not everyone can wear that color, but you look absolutely gorgeous in it. Now let’s see these earrings with it. Aren’t they perfect? And you’ll need this yellow pashmina. Here let me show you how to tie it so that it looks like it’s part of the dress.”


Thanks to that customer, my job was simple. I just smiled and handed over my credit card. 

Weddings

My nephew Beau married his lovely bride, Jessica, 2 weeks ago on Mother's Day weekend. We thought the wedding  would be very hard for us, but also felt we should be there to watch Beau and Jessica start their lives together. While there were certainly moments that were difficult and sad for us, I'm happy to say that the weekend was filled with much more joy than sadness. I'm sure that is because there is no better place to be when you have suffered a tragedy than surrounded by family. But I think it was also because I knew how much Emma would have loved every minute of the weekend's celebrations and how present that made her in everything we did.


Beau was the third of Emma's cousins to get married and both Sarah and Emma were honored to be a part of the weddings of their first two cousins. Thomas' wedding to Leslie came first. Emma was about to turn 12 and Sarah was 7. Sarah was quite shy about her turn as a flower girl, but Emma ate up her role as a junior bridesmaid. She loved rubbing elbows with the older girls and being part of the special celebrations: the bridesmaids' luncheon, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.


The best part for her, though was the wedding reception. She hung out with her older cousins and had the time of her life. She was right there in the middle of everything. The pictures from that event speak for themselves. Emma was having a blast.


A year and a half later Emma and Sarah had the privilege of being in their cousin Liz's wedding to Josh. This time Emma was a full-fledged bridesmaid. There was not much time between these weddings, but it amazes me to look at the pictures and see how much Emma had grown up. In preparation for this wedding, Emma got her hair and make-up done. The combination of the mature hair and make-up and the sophisticated dress made Emma look much older than her 13 1/2 years - and she was thrilled about that.  Us? Not so much. Much to our horror, one of the bartenders offered Emma a martini! Fortunately, she had the good judgment to let him know she was not nearly old enough to accept that offer.


Once again, Emma had the time of her life at the reception, dancing the night away with cousins and other members of the bridal party and feeling a little sad when the whole wonderful weekend had to come to an end.  No wonder my mother used to refer to Emma as her "party girl." Like her Gram, there was nothing she liked better than a big family party.


That's why at Beau and Jessica's we did our best to honor her memory by burning up the dance floor in classic Emma style, especially when they played a Michael Jackson song. I'm sure we fell short, but she would have admired our effort.


Enjoy the pictures...

Spring Concert

Wednesday was Sarah's spring concert, the last of many concerts we attended this year. This was the first concert since Emma's death that I was able to enjoy, because at this concert I felt Emma's presence, much more than her absence. The signs were all around. The programs were purple, her favorite color,  and featured a butterfly on the back cover. As soon as I entered the auditorium, I saw one of Emma's friends who had come to see another friend's sister perfom. Both friends joined us and I got a chance to catch up with them. The last time I has seen them was at Emma's dedication ceremony a week earlier and we were all struggling that day. This time, sitting next to each other and chatting about life, we got to reaffirm that gift of connection that Emma gave us. It was nice.

Before the program started they presented some awards and Sarah received one of the two choral awards. In a year that most kids would have retreated into the background, Sarah has chosen to  step out of the shadows. She has performed solos and had a lead role in the school's musical. Emma would have been really proud of her. She thought Sarah was a really talented singer and wanted to see her out in front. She definitely would have been smiling on Wednesday night.


The musical program that followed was packed with performances by talented, multi-instrument playing student musicians and Emma would have been so excited to see them featured. The choral program also seemed Emma-picked. It featured a Michael Jackson song (Emma was a rabid Michael Jackson fan. I think that he was at least part of the inspiration behind the fedoras she often wore) and a song that Emma had sung at her 8th grade spring concert. What was notable about that particular piece was that it featured a flute accompaniment that Emma had played. At Sarah's concert, the accompaniment was played by the school's flute teacher, but it immediately brought back the aural memory of Emma playing it. The song was African, but the flute part was jazzy and free. I think that learning and playing that part fueled Emma's interest in jazz which she went to vigorously pursue in high school. And hearing it also reminded me of Emma's incredible talent.  She played that flute part every bit as expressively and flawlessly as the teacher did and she only got better from there.

I'm so glad we had this time together

A couple of months ago I heard an interview with Carol Burnett on NPR. At the end of the interview, the interviewer asked Carol to sing a bit of the famous theme song from her show. I couldn't help but flip through images of our life with Emma as she sang, and while I had some tears streaming down my face by the end of the song, I also had a smile on my face.  


I can't tell you how many times that song has gone through my head since I heard Carol sing it on NPR. It's going to be my theme song during this next month, as we survive so many milestones we hoped to celebrate with Emma and will not. It will help me remember, celebrate and cherish all the wonderful milestones we did celebrate with Emma. I'm so glad we had those times together.


Click here for a clip of Carol Burnett singing her theme song

Dedication Ceremony - Peter's Remarks

These are the remarks Peter made at the Dedication Ceremony:


One of the things that sustained us through this year was the kindness of Emma’s friends.  When we think of Emma’s gifts to us, one gift, which came to us after she died, was the gift of knowing better the people that Emma treasured in her school, at church, and in her various activities.  Those friends kept honoring Emma’s memory even after she left us.  And they did it by focusing on the living.  They paid tributes, they told stories, they supported each other, and all the while, the drumbeat repeating said, “This must never happen again.”

Those friends, many of whom are here today, did two things that really stood out for us: 

They seemed to know, instinctively, that suicide could isolate the survivors.  They didn’t let that happen.  They visited our house, they wrote thoughtful letters, they emailed, they facebooked, and they sang Christmas carols in our living room.  We know now what Emma already knew.  These are special people who think of others and know how to show their love.

This fall, many of Emma’s friends did another thing that just seemed so wise and so right.  They decided to work for a cause that they now knew was desperately important.  They organized a team to raise money for AFSP, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention; they networked; they raised funds; they cooked and served dinners, and they brought people together for a walk called Out of the Darkness.  As they walked the trails at Sherwood Island, the message came through clearly:  We’re still here, we’re supporting each other,  and this must never happen again.

Those friends knew from their experiences, from their education, and from their hearts, that moving and doing reaffirms life and unites people.  They worked hard and raised thousands of dollars, but more than money, they raised spirits and awareness.  They focused on the living, and that is the kindest way to honor the life our daughter lived.  For those acts of compassion and strength and purpose, and for today, my family will be forever grateful.  But it is also our hope and our determination that a moment like this will never need to happen again.

Dedication ceremony poems

This poem was chosen and read by Emma's friend, Chelsea:


i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)


i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


ee cummings


I chose this poem, which was read by one of the senior class officers:


About Angels and About Trees
by Mary Oliver


Where do angels
fly in the firmament,
and how many can dance
on the head of pin?


Well. I don't care
about the pin dance,
what I know is that
they rest, sometimes,
in the tops of trees


and you can see them,
or almost see them,
or, anyway, think: what a
wonderful idea.


I have lost as you and
others have possibly lost a
beloved one,
and wonder, where are they now?


The trees, anyway, are
miraculous, full of
angels (ideas); even
empty they are a
good place to look, to put
the heart at rest - all those
leaves breathing the air, so
peaceful and diligent, and certainly
ready to be
the resting place of
strange, winged creatures
that we, in this world, have loved.

Dedication Ceremony

On Wednesday, Emma’s high school dedicated a bench and a tree in her memory in a brief ceremony. It was raining, just as it was on the day of her memorial service, so the service was held in the school’s auditorium with a picture of the tree and the bench that are now gracing the school’s courtyard projected on the screen.

For me the most meaningful part of the event came afterwards, as we were milling about the lobby getting hugs from friends and family. A friend of Emma’s who we had not spoken to before approached us and introduced himself to us. He was surprised that we knew who he was and we told him that Emma had always spoken fondly of him. It was clearly hard for him to find the right words to say to us, but he struggled through his own discomfort to try to offer us some comfort and encouragement. And then he said the thing that has really stuck with me. “Do any of you have Facebook? ‘Cause we should probably keep in touch.”

It was that statement, “we should probably keep in touch,” that resonates for me now as the most powerful statement of remembrance that was expressed that day. Behind those words was the recognition that our love of Emma and the grief we shared because of her loss bound us together. Those words, “we should probably keep in touch,” said “Emma will always be part of my life, just as she will always be part of your life. When we greet each other in town, or chat with each other on Facebook, even though it will often go unsaid, we will know that we are thinking of Emma.” It is a sentiment that has been expressed to us by many of Emma’s friends, sometimes in words, more often in gestures, but always loud and clear.  “We will remember.”

Banbury Cross

As Mother’s Day approached this year, I couldn’t help thinking about the gifts and cards Emma had given me over the years. No matter how busy she was she always made me a special card. She often made gifts for me and sometimes she and Sarah would flip through catalogs looking for the perfect gift and then see if Peter would help them buy it. When she was older and had her own money, she took great pride in picking out her own gift and buying it for me. No matter the shape or size, the gifts and cards always reflected great thought, affection and appreciation.


There are a few that really stand out for me, though. One is a card that Emma made me when she was in elementary school. On the cover was a line drawing of a little plant emerging from the ground and the words “I’m your sprout!” A few years later, she re-visited that theme with another Mother’s Day card. On the cover of that card was a line drawing of a blooming rose and the words, “Your little sprout has blossomed into a flower,” exactly what I was thinking every time I looked at her.


I will always treasure the gift she gave me last Mother’s Day. Emma was very busy at that time last year and I remember being so touched that she had taken the time to find me the perfect gift. It was a beautiful bracelet with stone hearts. She’d be able to tell me the kind of stone the hearts are made of, and I like knowing that. The bracelet reflects me and my tastes, but also speaks of Emma and her interests, tastes, and feelings for her family.


By far the most special Mother’s Day gift I was ever given was a recording made by Sarah and Emma about 3 years ago. The previous fall, both the girls had performed at Carnegie Hall with their children’s choir. At the concert they had done a premier performance of a piece written and arranged by Nick Page that was based on selected nursery rhymes. One movement of this piece had special meaning for me. It was based on the nursery rhyme Banbury Cross,  a rhyme that is a standard in my family. Every child and grandchild in our family has been bounced on the knee of a doting family member while this rhyme was chanted, and I bounced my own children on my knee to the rhythm of this rhyme more times than I can count. We have altered the rhyme a bit from the original to make the bouncing game a little more fun. My family’s version goes like this:


    Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
    To see a fine lady upon a white horse.
    Rings on her finger and bells on her toes,
    She will have music wherever she goes.

    And this is the way the lady rides,
    A trottity, trottity, trottity, trot.
    And this is the way the gentleman rides,
    A canterty, canterty canterty, canter.
    And this is the way the farmer rides,
    A gallopy, gallopy gallopy, gallop  – whoa!


I would bounce the girls, first in a nice trotting rhythm, then in a speedier canter rhythm, and then in a wild galloping rhythm that would usually evoke lots of laughing and end with a gentle slide off the bucking knee horse.


So it was with that memory etched in their minds, that the girls made me my Mother’s Day recording. I’ve attached it so you can hear their beautiful voices for yourselves.
Click here for the link to the recording.  It will take a few seconds to load and then you'll have to click the play arrow.

The Dinner Dance

I started writing this blog in the beginning of November, about 4 ½ months after Emma died. I worked on the first post, which became my “About this Blog” section for about a month before I posted for the first time. I knew I wanted (needed) to write about Emma, but it took me a long time to find a direction and purpose. I wrote almost daily for several months.  I was finding that the blog helped me move forward through time, albeit slowly, deliberately, and painfully.

That has changed in the last few months, however. As we approach the first anniversary of Emma’s death, I have an ever-growing feeling of being hurled backwards through time to that awful day. And the memories that demand my attention are those from the last months we spent with Emma. It’s hard not to treat these memories with suspicion – to sift through the debris of the scene, looking for clues we might have missed. But it’s fruitless. Nothing is gained and what is lost is the simple pleasure of a happy moment. 

All this is by way of introduction to a memory of a night with Emma just a month and half before we lost her forever. It happened almost exactly a year ago.

The occasion was a jazz dinner dance organized by the music parents association in our town and featuring the top jazz ensembles from each of our town’s two high schools. Emma was so excited about this performance. The two jazz bands were responsible for providing an entire night of music. Both her band and the band from the other high school had worked tirelessly to learn two 30-40 minute sets of music each.

The evening got off to a great start with both bands performing impressive sets of jazz favorites. Each band had a slightly different flavor. Emma’s band's music reflected the  jazz/funk leanings of their director, while the other high school band tended towards older jazz standards. By the time dinner was served we were already completely impressed by the talent and professionalism of both the groups and were thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

Emma stopped by to visit us at our table while her band was on break for dinner. She was one of very few students who emerged from the back room for a parental visit, so we were really touched that she had made the effort. She gave Peter and me both a hug and a kiss and asked us how we liked their first set. She promised that the next set was going to be even better. And then she said something that really surprised me. “You guys better get out there and dance when we play again,” she said. I think Peter and I were thinking the same thing. “Are you sure you want us to dance, Emm?” Peter replied. “Could be kind of embarrassing.” “Yes,” she said. “You have to dance. I’ll be watching.” “We’ll be out there, Emm,” I said. “We can’t wait.”

When they started their second set, Peter and I headed out to the dance floor, and started dancing. We caught Emma’s eye and gave her a thumbs up. And as soon as she got a moment when she didn’t have a saxophone in her mouth, she gave us a big smile in return.

That night might just be one of my favorite Emma moments ever. It was so full of joy, pride and affection. So I’m not going to dust it for fingerprints or look at it under a microscope. I’m going to trust that it is now exactly what it was then. An extraordinarily happy time shared with people I love.

May 2nd, 1995

Here's  a very brief entry from my Mother's Journal dated May 2nd, 1995:


Emma called the sink handles "turnips." Later in the day she said, "I'm enjoying my whole family."

Thank You

If Emma's story inspired you to vote for AFSP's teen suicide prevention project in the latest round of the Pepsi Refresh Challenge, thank you. The project finished in 8th place, which means it is eligible to receive a $50K grant to advance the important work of educating high school teachers about teen suicide, depression and suicide prevention. 


In my opinion, just finishing in the top ten is a huge step forward in suicide prevention.  Every time we talk about this problem, a problem that claims the lives of 10 high school students every single day in our country, we chip away at the wall of silence that has prevented us from collectively taking action to address this public health crisis. This was a small, but important, victory and I thank you.