Our lives were turned upside down in all sorts of ways when Emma died. Neither Peter nor I worked for two months after we lost Emma. For Peter, the end of the school year granted him a natural break during which he could try to get his feet back on the ground. I took a leave of absence and eventually came to the conclusion that it would not be possible to return to the full time job I had had for just over a year. We had no idea how Sarah would cope with the year ahead and I thought it was important that I had flexibility in my schedule so that we could give her all the help and support she might need.The difficult part of this decision was that it left me with a lot of time on my hands at a time when time was not necessarily my friend. Peter and Sarah went back to school in the fall and I was home for 7 hours a day all by myself. Some time to think and reflect was valuable, but 7 hours a day was much too much time alone.
I was fortunate that my employer allowed me to come back to work very part-time. This gave me at least a little structure to my week, some time out of the house, and a feeling of purpose and worth. I was also lucky to have good friends who rallied around and got me out walking and talking a couple of hours every week. I believe that was life-saving.
But, perhaps, the best thing that I did for myself was volunteer to be a guest reader for a kindergarten class in Bridgeport. Every visit to that classroom provided a welcome escape from my reality. I could become engrossed in the books and in the children's reaction to the books. Their bright faces and eagerness helped me believe in possibility again. And nothing could melt through the iciness of sorrow better than having a class full of kindergarten kids line up to give you a hug goodbye, as they did every time I finished a visit.
I've continued my stint as a guest reader this year. The teacher I got paired with last year changed schools and moved to pre-Kindergarten. The class I now visit is an eager group of 4 and 5 year olds who absolutely love books. They remind me so much of Emma at that age, so visiting with them feels a little like visiting with Emma.
From the time she was tiny, Emma had a close relationship with books. They were friends that she got to know completely and held close. Books that she loved became special to us, too, as we read them to her over and over again. Those books were so much a part of our daily family life, I kind of think of them as members of the family.
Last week I brought in a selection of Emma favorites to share with my class and their reaction thrilled me and touched my heart. One of the books was Lois Ehlert's Feathers for Lunch. This is a book that demands to be read over and over again, and that's why Emma loved it. The story is about a cat who is unsuccessfully stalking the birds in his back yard. But it is the illustrations that drew Emma and my pre-kindergarteners in. They are simple, almost cartoon-like, drawing of birds and plants, all carefully labeled, so that young readers are encouraged to learn how to recognize them both in the book and in nature. All of Lois Ehlert's books are like this and we often felt like she had created them just for Emma, because this is just what Emma loved to do: learn about nature and commit hundreds of different species of plants, animals, birds, fish and minerals to memory.
I loved that my class approached that book just the way Emma did. They made sure I read all the labels on the plants and birds in the pictures. "You forgot to tell us what the name of that flower is!" they would politely correct if I moved on from a page too quickly. Even though I brought in 3 books to share, we had to read Feathers for Lunch twice. The second time through they wanted to try their hand at naming all the birds and plants and they did a remarkably good job. When I finished reading all three books and was preparing to leave, one little boy piped up, "You need to bring those books back again because I want to read them again." "Yes, yes," the others chimed in, "you should bring those books back!" I could picture little Emma sitting right in their midst. That's just what she would have been saying.
Click here for a preview of this fabulous book, if you're not familiar with it.
