Last year, one of Emma's dear friends organized the first ever Worcester, MA Out of the Darkness Walk as her freshman management project at Clark University. It was so well received not just by the Clark community, but also by the Greater Worcester community, she and a friend have decided to continue it. I traveled to Worcester for the walk again and wanted to share some of the moving moments from that walk.
The first thing I'd like to share are the remarks made by Liane Nelson, who was the walk's guest speaker. Here are Liane's remarks:
My name is Liane.
I am a psychologist, a mother of two teenagers, a wife, and a daughter. I live in Fairfield, Connecticut.
Like everyone here, I have been touched by suicide. I want to tell you how, and what it has taught me, and one thing that has come from it.
Five years ago, and in the span of one year, I lost three young men in my life, one was a neighbor across the street, and two were family members. Two intentionally killed themselves, and one was killed as a result of a 100 mile an hour police chase through a small town. It was not technically suicide, but sometimes self-destructive acts fit the bill, as well. It was a devastating year.
In the aftermath, I read everything I could about suicide. I knew a bunch of things, but wanted to understand more. I read a book by Kay Redfield Jamison called Night Falls Fast, in which she connected her own story of suicide attempts with the research and history of suicide.
She reminds us that the loss of a relationship, a history of depression or bipolar disorder, or knowing someone else who committed suicide can put someone at serious risk.
She mentions that demographically, senior citizens are killing themselves at a faster rate than any other age group. Except for, perhaps, gay teens.The book is full of knowledge, research and stories.
The biggest problem is not really the lack of knowledge, but the fact that we don’t talk about what we know, enough, because we have been trained to Not Talk About Suicide.
There have been research studies that compare different types of therapy and their effectiveness in reducing rates of self-injury and suicide. One type of therapy called DBT, wins this contest every time, because each therapy session starts with a conversation about urges to harm oneself or suicidal thoughts from the previous week. That is where the weekly conversation starts, and until that issue is addressed, the conversation goes nowhere else.
This therapy undoes the stigma that we have all been trained in, and that stigma tells us, that by talking about self-harm and suicide, we are more likely to make it happen. It is completely wrong. We reduce the likelihood that people will hurt themselves or attempt suicide if we talk about it, and ask them about it.
When I was a kid, suicide was completely taboo. Religions colluded, and told people that they would go to Hell if they killed themselves. People were forced to pretend, and to feel ashamed if they had a family member who committed suicide. They were trained to not talk about it in a real and honest way.
Five years ago, at the funeral of my 23 year old neighbor, his mother got into a very public argument with the priest who was officiating, who said that her son killed himself because he lost God.
……………..
Two and a half years ago, a bright, vivacious and talented young woman who lived in my town committed suicide. She left behind a group of bereft teenagers and adults.
We were all so devastated, even those of us who did not know Emma personally.
It was hard to get our heads around the fact that someone who was so loved by many, and so talented, and known for her kindness, and her voice, and, and, and was no longer here.
A friend of mine, Jen, who is a UCC Minister (UCC is an open and affirming church, which means that they embrace gay people), and I decided that we wanted to do something, in Emma’s memory, to reduce the isolation and devastation that we saw in the wake of Emma’s death, and among her friends.We got together to discuss the resources for LGBT teens that existed in our very Catholic town. Erp, not many. All that was available was 20 minutes twice a week before school for the Gay Straight Alliances in the two public high schools.
So, we started a group called The Loft. It is specifically for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered teenagers, and their straight friends. The first time that Jen and I met for coffee to discuss the group, we had no idea if anyone was going to come. We thought, Let’s try this out for eight weeks, and see what happens.It is now in its third year, or Third Season, as the Group says. We meet every Friday and have pizza, and talk about whatever people bring up.
We talk about a lot of different stuff. Some topics are heavy such as What is Depression, How to Recognize It, and How to deal with Homophobia. I became worried at one point, that some kids had a bunch of physical symptoms (such as eating too much, or not enough, and sleeping too much, or not enough), and did not know that these can be symptoms of depression.
Other topics are light, like If You Could Have Any Superpower, What Would It Be, and stories of acceptance and things that make us all laugh.
We have a Candlelight Vigil coming up next month, and it will be our second annual vigil in honor of those who have endured bullying and those who have ended their lives with suicide. After our first vigil, the group expanded from about 15 members to as many as 35.
We go to events such as Gay Proms, and the True Colors conference.
We do a lot of things that show that we have intentionally created a community of safety and support. Mostly what we do is be together, and love each other, and make sure that if someone is hurting, we will talk about it, and do what we can to make them feel less alone, and will help them and their families find additional help, if they need it in a bigger way than just our group.
Your generation has begun to free us from the stigma of so many things, and has begun the process of telling us all, IT IS OKAY TO TALK TO EACH OTHER.
If you are worried about someone, you cannot be silenced. You have to talk to them, and be prepared to talk to anyone else who will be able to intervene.
If a friend expresses suicidal feelings, they cannot make you keep their secret, because secrets are often destructive things.
Thank you, on behalf of my generation, for opening up the conversation about suicide, and how to help and support each other. You have shown us the path out of darkness, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you want to find out more about The Loft, contact First Church Congregational of Fairfield.
