2018 Scholarship Presentation

Good evening. My name is Nancy von Euler and this is my husband Peter. We established this scholarship 9 years ago in memory of our daughter, Emma. Emma was a bright, beautiful, kind and talented young woman who loved music. We hope that the financial support from this scholarship will provide a little help and encouragement to our award winners. And, we always take the award presentation as an opportunity to talk to the graduating seniors briefly about something that we think is really important. It seems particularly important this year, in light of the events of the last several weeks.

You see Emma died by suicide.

So tonight we want to share just 7 pieces of information and advice. We promise to be quick.

# 1 – In 90% of deaths by suicide, the underlying cause is a diagnosable, although sometimes undiagnosed, mental illness. Like physical illness, mental illness comes in acute forms, like pneumonia, and chronic forms, like diabetes. It is nothing to be ashamed of and in all forms it is treatable.
#2 – Perhaps its obvious, but the organ mental illness attacks is your brain – the organ you trust to generate your thoughts and feelings. With people who suffer from suicidal ideation, their brain turns against them. If your brain starts telling you aren’t good enough or that the world is better off without you, tell someone, because that’s a symptom of illness, not rational thought, and it can be treated.
# 3 – Be accurate. When someone dies by suicide its tempting to join in the explanation game. There is usually only one thing we can be sure of – they were suffering. Proposing easy explanations belittles that suffering, contributes to stigma, and may discourage others who are suffering from seeking help.
#4 – Be kind. You will not always know when someone is suffering. I imagine you are all good people. You wouldn’t purposely add to someone’s suffering. Don’t do it by accident.
#5 – If a friend tells you they are struggling, assume you are the only one they have told. As a friend, your job is to listen, support, and report – but not to diagnose, advise or fix. That’s the job of the pros.
# 6 – Find out where to get help before you or a friend needs it. Put the crisis hotline and text line numbers into your phone, and if you are headed off to college, find out where the health center and the counseling center are. Chances are they were not pointed out when you went on your campus tour.
And last, but not least, #7 – Embrace your whole self, not your social media self. Until we all start posting pictures of what we look like when we roll out of bed, or about the exam we failed, the catch we missed, the argument we started, and the rejection letters we collected, our social media presence will only the reflect the shiny surface of who we are as people. Your parents will post a picture of your newly set up dorm room this fall, but take my word, they aren’t going to post a picture of what it looks like when they pick you up at the end of the year! And yet, that end of year photo would tell me so much more about you – for example that you hadn’t done laundry since Thanksgiving. But that’s okay! Every weakness is an opportunity to grow. Every failure is an opportunity to learn. Being perfect isn’t all its cracked up to be and as Emma herself liked to say, “normal is just a setting on a washing machine.”

Fairfield Warde High School:
This year’s recipient has been involved in the band and choir programs at Warde for all 4 years. She has received a number of awards and recognitions for her music: Scholar in Music Award; CT Association of Schools Fine Arts Award; Western Region for both choir and oboe; and All State and All National for choir, alto. Our recipient has also been involved in Key Club, Autism Speaks, RAAFT (Raising Abuse Awareness for Teens), Best Buddies (integrating disabled students into the social life of the school). In addition to the Tri-M Music Honor Society, she has been inducted into the Latin Honors Society, the National Honors Society and the Science Honors Society. We are thrilled to present the Emma Jane von Euler Music Scholarship to Marie Fulda.

Fairfield Ludlowe High School: 
This year’s recipient is a graduate of Roger Sherman Elementary School and Roger Ludlowe Middle School, she has been a member of the Concert Orchestra, Symphonic Orchestra, Pit Orchestra throughout her 4 years at Ludlowe performing as a Violinist. A member of the National Honor Society, Science National Honor Society, Chinese National Honor Society, History and Art Honor Societies, she will be attending Emmanuel College. She has been a student representative to the Board of Education, a member of the Girl Scouts since kindergarten, Communications Director for UNICEF. We are thrilled to award the Emma Jane von Euler Music Scholarship to Isabella Schichter.

The Grief Suitcase

I was just out walking with a wonderful friend. We share a lot in common but, unfortunately, one of those things is that we have suffered the loss of a loved one who died too soon.  At some point along the walk we got to talking about how grief has affected our resilience and how hard it is to explain that to others who may become impatient or frustrated. I shared an analogy with her and she encouraged me to share it here, so that others could understand us better. So here it is - the grief suitcase.

All of us have a place where we store away the hurts, losses and disappointments of life. Let's call that place a suitcase. Many people are lucky enough to go through life with only small hurts, losses and disappointments. For those people, there is always plenty of room in the suitcase; it closes easily, and without much effort they can shove it under their bed where their hurts and losses are out of sight and out of mind. That was true for me, too, before I lost Emma.

When I lost Emma, the pain from that loss was excruciating and overwhelming. I worked for months and months to shove it into the suitcase, but it couldn't be folded up neatly and the suitcase wasn't big enough to hold it. Eventually, I got it in there, but then I couldn't close the suitcase. I would sit on the lid to try force it to close, but it was just too full. Finally, after months of sitting on the suitcase, I got it to close and latch; but it bulged from the top and sides. I tried to shove it under the bed, where it would be out of sight and mind, but the bulging case just didn't fit. So there it stayed, in the middle of the room. I could see it plainly and most days, if I set my mind to it, I could avoid tripping over it. But every so often, especially when I was having a dark day, I would trip over that grief suitcase and stub my toe, sending shooting pain and grief all through my body.

The worst part was when life dealt me a new hurt, loss or disappointment, even if it was a small one in the eyes of others. Then I stared at that over-stuffed suitcase and wondered how I would fit one more thing in there. I gingerly pried open the latches, hoping not to disturb the contents inside, but the inevitable happened. Once the latches were released, the over-stuffed contents exploded out of the case and were strewn all over the room. I had to scramble to gather up all that pain and grief again and try to shove them back into the suitcase and sit on the lid until it closed enough that I could latch it, and that could take weeks; weeks of disruption and distraction and just plain sadness.

Resilience is slow to return for someone who has suffered a profound loss. We are hurt more easily and forgive less readily. It is one of many ways we are a different. We have to learn to accept this about ourselves and can only hope that others can accept and understand it, as well.