2018 Scholarship Presentation

Good evening. My name is Nancy von Euler and this is my husband Peter. We established this scholarship 9 years ago in memory of our daughter, Emma. Emma was a bright, beautiful, kind and talented young woman who loved music. We hope that the financial support from this scholarship will provide a little help and encouragement to our award winners. And, we always take the award presentation as an opportunity to talk to the graduating seniors briefly about something that we think is really important. It seems particularly important this year, in light of the events of the last several weeks.

You see Emma died by suicide.

So tonight we want to share just 7 pieces of information and advice. We promise to be quick.

# 1 – In 90% of deaths by suicide, the underlying cause is a diagnosable, although sometimes undiagnosed, mental illness. Like physical illness, mental illness comes in acute forms, like pneumonia, and chronic forms, like diabetes. It is nothing to be ashamed of and in all forms it is treatable.
#2 – Perhaps its obvious, but the organ mental illness attacks is your brain – the organ you trust to generate your thoughts and feelings. With people who suffer from suicidal ideation, their brain turns against them. If your brain starts telling you aren’t good enough or that the world is better off without you, tell someone, because that’s a symptom of illness, not rational thought, and it can be treated.
# 3 – Be accurate. When someone dies by suicide its tempting to join in the explanation game. There is usually only one thing we can be sure of – they were suffering. Proposing easy explanations belittles that suffering, contributes to stigma, and may discourage others who are suffering from seeking help.
#4 – Be kind. You will not always know when someone is suffering. I imagine you are all good people. You wouldn’t purposely add to someone’s suffering. Don’t do it by accident.
#5 – If a friend tells you they are struggling, assume you are the only one they have told. As a friend, your job is to listen, support, and report – but not to diagnose, advise or fix. That’s the job of the pros.
# 6 – Find out where to get help before you or a friend needs it. Put the crisis hotline and text line numbers into your phone, and if you are headed off to college, find out where the health center and the counseling center are. Chances are they were not pointed out when you went on your campus tour.
And last, but not least, #7 – Embrace your whole self, not your social media self. Until we all start posting pictures of what we look like when we roll out of bed, or about the exam we failed, the catch we missed, the argument we started, and the rejection letters we collected, our social media presence will only the reflect the shiny surface of who we are as people. Your parents will post a picture of your newly set up dorm room this fall, but take my word, they aren’t going to post a picture of what it looks like when they pick you up at the end of the year! And yet, that end of year photo would tell me so much more about you – for example that you hadn’t done laundry since Thanksgiving. But that’s okay! Every weakness is an opportunity to grow. Every failure is an opportunity to learn. Being perfect isn’t all its cracked up to be and as Emma herself liked to say, “normal is just a setting on a washing machine.”

Fairfield Warde High School:
This year’s recipient has been involved in the band and choir programs at Warde for all 4 years. She has received a number of awards and recognitions for her music: Scholar in Music Award; CT Association of Schools Fine Arts Award; Western Region for both choir and oboe; and All State and All National for choir, alto. Our recipient has also been involved in Key Club, Autism Speaks, RAAFT (Raising Abuse Awareness for Teens), Best Buddies (integrating disabled students into the social life of the school). In addition to the Tri-M Music Honor Society, she has been inducted into the Latin Honors Society, the National Honors Society and the Science Honors Society. We are thrilled to present the Emma Jane von Euler Music Scholarship to Marie Fulda.

Fairfield Ludlowe High School: 
This year’s recipient is a graduate of Roger Sherman Elementary School and Roger Ludlowe Middle School, she has been a member of the Concert Orchestra, Symphonic Orchestra, Pit Orchestra throughout her 4 years at Ludlowe performing as a Violinist. A member of the National Honor Society, Science National Honor Society, Chinese National Honor Society, History and Art Honor Societies, she will be attending Emmanuel College. She has been a student representative to the Board of Education, a member of the Girl Scouts since kindergarten, Communications Director for UNICEF. We are thrilled to award the Emma Jane von Euler Music Scholarship to Isabella Schichter.

The Grief Suitcase

I was just out walking with a wonderful friend. We share a lot in common but, unfortunately, one of those things is that we have suffered the loss of a loved one who died too soon.  At some point along the walk we got to talking about how grief has affected our resilience and how hard it is to explain that to others who may become impatient or frustrated. I shared an analogy with her and she encouraged me to share it here, so that others could understand us better. So here it is - the grief suitcase.

All of us have a place where we store away the hurts, losses and disappointments of life. Let's call that place a suitcase. Many people are lucky enough to go through life with only small hurts, losses and disappointments. For those people, there is always plenty of room in the suitcase; it closes easily, and without much effort they can shove it under their bed where their hurts and losses are out of sight and out of mind. That was true for me, too, before I lost Emma.

When I lost Emma, the pain from that loss was excruciating and overwhelming. I worked for months and months to shove it into the suitcase, but it couldn't be folded up neatly and the suitcase wasn't big enough to hold it. Eventually, I got it in there, but then I couldn't close the suitcase. I would sit on the lid to try force it to close, but it was just too full. Finally, after months of sitting on the suitcase, I got it to close and latch; but it bulged from the top and sides. I tried to shove it under the bed, where it would be out of sight and mind, but the bulging case just didn't fit. So there it stayed, in the middle of the room. I could see it plainly and most days, if I set my mind to it, I could avoid tripping over it. But every so often, especially when I was having a dark day, I would trip over that grief suitcase and stub my toe, sending shooting pain and grief all through my body.

The worst part was when life dealt me a new hurt, loss or disappointment, even if it was a small one in the eyes of others. Then I stared at that over-stuffed suitcase and wondered how I would fit one more thing in there. I gingerly pried open the latches, hoping not to disturb the contents inside, but the inevitable happened. Once the latches were released, the over-stuffed contents exploded out of the case and were strewn all over the room. I had to scramble to gather up all that pain and grief again and try to shove them back into the suitcase and sit on the lid until it closed enough that I could latch it, and that could take weeks; weeks of disruption and distraction and just plain sadness.

Resilience is slow to return for someone who has suffered a profound loss. We are hurt more easily and forgive less readily. It is one of many ways we are a different. We have to learn to accept this about ourselves and can only hope that others can accept and understand it, as well.

2017 Scholarship Presentation

Here we go again! Every year at this time we ride an emotional roller coaster. Over the space of one week we acknowledge the anniversary of Emma's death, her birthday, our wedding anniversary, Father's Day, and award the scholarship in Emma's memory at the two Fairfield high schools. Peter adds to that list the end of the school year and an emotional moving up ceremony. This marks the 8th year we have run that gauntlet, and while it is somewhat different now, it is no less emotionally exhausting. This year, we started this week of milestones with the scholarship presentations. Perhaps because awards night was earlier than it has ever been, we were both caught off guard by the rush of emotion and for how unprepared we feel for the week ahead. Nonetheless, we feel privileged to be able to remember Emma in this way and to give two young people a little help as they pursue their dreams. This is made possible by so many generous people who helped to establish the fund and who continue to contribute year after year. We are forever grateful for the legacy you have helped to create and sustain. More than anything, we are grateful for your love.

Here is this year's scholarship speech and a little about our winners:

Good evening. My name is Nancy von Euler and this is my husband Peter. We established this scholarship 8 years ago in memory of our daughter, Emma. Emma was a bright, beautiful, kind and talented young woman. She LOVED music! She danced, sang, and played the flute, piccolo, saxophone, clarinet, and guitar. We hope that the financial support from this scholarship will provide a little help and encouragement to our award winners that will help them to pursue their dreams. And, we always take the award presentation as an opportunity to talk to the graduating seniors briefly about something that we think is really important to talk about. 

You see Emma died by suicide.

Now many of you have probably watched the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why and may feel that has given you insights. Perhaps it has. I haven’t seen it, so I can’t say. But it’s important to remember that the series is fiction, and as newly-minted adult citizens of the world it’s your responsibility to understand the facts.

Here are just a few things we think you should know:

-In 90% of deaths by suicide, the underlying cause is a diagnosable, although sometimes undiagnosed, mental illness.

- Mental illness is no different than physical illness. It comes in acute forms, like pneumonia, and chronic forms, like diabetes. It is nothing to be ashamed of and in all forms it is treatable. 

- Just like you wouldn’t ask a friend or family member to set your broken leg, illnesses of the brain require treatment from a professional. And there is always help! In crisis there are hotlines, text lines and emergency rooms and for help with recovery there are campus, community-based, and even virtual counseling services.

- As a friend of someone who is struggling, your job is to inquire, support, report, encourage, lead, accompany – but not to diagnose, advise or fix. That’s the job of the pros.

So, here’s your homework – can you believe I’m giving you homework?! Put the crisis hotline and text line numbers into your phone so that you have them yourself and can share them with friends. And if you are headed off to college, find out where the health center and the counseling center are. Chances are they were not pointed out when you went on your campus tour. I even encourage you to go one step further - go in; find out what the hours are and what services they offer; introduce yourself to the staff; get comfortable and familiar. That way, should you ever not feel well, physically OR mentally, you'll know just where to go, and just who to ask for.  

And something we all can do. Let’s remember that most people struggle at one time or another and those struggles are often invisible. We don’t wear them as badges. So as we walk through life, let’s treat those we meet with care, kindness and patience.

2017 FLHS Scholarship Recipient - Paul Jeon:

Paul is a member of the National Honor Society, the National English Honor Society and the Tri-M Music Honor Society. He is an active community volunteer, serving as a Sunday school teacher and as a mentor and tutor for the XLR8 program in Bridgeport. He is both an accomplished athlete and an accomplished tuba player.

2017 FWHS Scholarship Recipient - Gabriel Mansour

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Gabriel is a member of the National Honor Society and Tri-M music Honor Society. He is an athlete and a musician, playing lacrosse and performing on percussion with both the wind ensemble and the jazz ensemble. He has also contributed actively to the community, supporting groups like Operation Hope, Connecticut Food Bank, Bridgeport Community Closet, BBYO Civic Jewish Youth Group and the Federation for Jewish Philanthropy of Upper Fairfield County. 

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2015 Scholarship Presentation

Tomorrow is a hard anniversary, but tonight was a night to honor Emma's legacy and present scholarships to two talented and deserving students. Here is Peter's scholarship speech:

Good evening. My name is Peter von Euler and this is my wife, Nancy. When we established this scholarship 6 years ago we had 3 goals in mind. First, we wanted to celebrate our daughter's rich, if too short, life. Second, we wanted to provide a little help and encouragement to our award winners so that they might achieve their dreams. And, lastly, we wanted to use the award presentation as an opportunity to share some information that maybe, just maybe, would save a young person's life. 

Our daughter, Emma, was bright, beautiful, and talented. She LOVED music! She danced, sang, and played the flute, piccolo, saxophone, clarinet, and guitar.  She dreamed of a life as a professional musician. By the age of 16, she had performed at Carnegie Hall, Lincoln Center, West Point, and Canterbury Cathedral. Emma was also kind and compassionate. She was a defender of underdogs everywhere and always had a shoulder for her friends to lean on.  

Emma never reached her 17th birthday.  An illness took her life.  It attacked her brain.  She had struggled with it for a long time.  Though formidable, it was mostly invisible.  Many of her friends didn’t even know she was ill.  No, it wasn’t cancer.  It was mental illness.  I wonder how many of you, as you heard that last sentence, scrambled to replay the lines that came before it.  I wonder how many of you think it’s odd to imply that those illnesses are comparable.  Emma’s life ended with suicide, just as someone with AIDS might eventually succumb to pneumonia, but the disease that took her life was mental illness.  I’m telling you this, because I feel that we treat ill people in this country differently, depending on the type of disease.  Let’s be clear, though, people with mental illness do not choose their affliction.  They are not weaker human beings,  and when they fight their disease they are no less heroic.  Unfortunately, many of those people are young, and many keep their struggle to themselves.

Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for people ages 15-34. Suicide claims nearly as many lives each year as breast cancer; and as of 2010, more people in the United States lost their lives to suicide than in car accidents. 

Many people think of suicide as being an extreme reaction to a failed relationship, lost job, or family crisis. The truth is, in 90% of deaths by suicide, the underlying cause is a diagnosable, although sometimes undiagnosed, mental illness.   The good news is mental illness is treatable. But to be treated, a person needs to seek help. Everybody knows that diseases are best be treated if detected early.   The same is true for mental illness. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Everybody knows that the struggle  goes better when the patient has supporters, champions who walk alongside. Don’t be afraid to walk alongside a friend who’s struggling.   We hope that you won’t consider it a cause for shame or a sign of weakness. We don’t look at other diseases that way.  We hope that your generation is the generation that brings mental illness and mental health issues out in the open.  Please, take care of each other.

Fairfield Warde – 

This year’s scholarship winner is an avid violinist who has played in Warde’s Concert, Chamber, and Symphonic orchestras and is also a member of the Greater Bridgeport Youth Orchestra. She is a member of the Tri-M Music Honor Society, National Honor Society, and Math Honor Society. For all four years of high school she participated in a Music Enrichment program mentoring elementary school students, and she has been a mentor/translator at the Vasco de Gama Portuguese school.  In her essay, she described herself as, “Being someone who wants to mesh the studies of music, art and psychology together in order to make discoveries that lie in between all of the disciplines.”  Katie Reiss, we can’t wait to see what you discover!

Fairfield Ludlowe – 

This year’s scholarship winner is a talented flutist, who is a member of the Tri-M Music Honor Society, the National Honor Society and the English Honor Society. She loves children and has worked as both a tutor and a flute teacher outside of school. She will be attending Fordham University next year, where she plans on majoring in Psychology and continuing with the flute. We are thrilled to present the Emma Jane von Euler Memorial Scholarship to Abigail Price.

Postcard from a friend

I always appreciate it when someone gets in touch with me because they want to let me know that they have been thinking about Emma, or that they have visited her at the memorial Garden, or that they have a special memory they want to share. That has happened several times in the last couple of weeks. It does my heart good to know that others are carrying Emma with them just like we do. 

Here is a lovely story that was shared with me just last week. Thank you, Victoria!

Mrs. Von Euler,

I don’t know if you remember me, but I was in FCCC with both of your daughters. Sarah and I were friends through FCCC and then continued to be friends at Lauralton. 

I stumbled across your blog “Emma Times” today and read some stories about Emma and couldn’t help but smile and reminisce a bit myself. I wanted to write you and tell you about my fondest memory of Emma. 

I joined FCCC when I was in 8th grade. I was placed in Concert choir and became friends with Sarah because we were the same voice part. Halfway through the year I was moved to Chamber choir because they needed some more Soprano II’s. As I walked into my first Chamber rehearsal I was terrified. I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know any of the music. I was seated next to Emma. Mr. Noyes asked her to be my mentor and help me adjust. She took it upon herself to take me into the next room before rehearsal started and teach me my part for the songs we were working on. She did this for a couple weeks until I felt comfortable. She was the first person who showed me kindness and made me feel comfortable. She taught me to sing “Goin’ Up Yonder” which I later sang at her funeral. That song will forever remind me of Emma. 

Emma had a beautiful heart and even though I only knew her for a short time, and that exchange was the most we talked, she changed my life. Because of Emma I look out for the newbies/nervous/lonely kids in a room and make sure to reach out to them, to make them feel comfortable. I seek to be Emma to others. Thank you for your beautiful daughter. 


Victoria Conaway